Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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