sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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