I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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