The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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