Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
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