I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
