I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
