Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
