true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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