I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
