did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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