ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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