I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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