Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
