I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
