Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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