Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
