hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
