So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
