the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
