Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
