I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
