Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
