so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
