I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
