she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
