Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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