So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
