So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
