It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
