I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
