I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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