Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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