i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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