I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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