I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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