Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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