I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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