Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
