I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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