worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
