Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
vagina is talking i cant
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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