So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
