my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
