remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
