i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
