so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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