I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
