You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
