dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
