i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he fucked my hip out of place.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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