Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
