Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sex in the backyard? Check.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
