I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
