I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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