The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
